Embracing Your 'Self' Through Internal Family Systems
Internal Family Systems (IFS), is a holistic, non-stigmatizing approach that looks at each person as a series of parts. The belief is that the person is comprised of different parts, each representing our personality, experiences, and emotions. To be clear - this is not the same as dissociative identity disorder (DID). Think of it more like personifying each part of you that shows up as an inner conflict (ie, “One part of me wants to rot on the couch all week and the other part of me knows I should move my body at least a little bit today”).
IFS revolves around a central part, called the Self. In IFS, the Self is the core of our being. It is an unbroken, undamaged part that is the source of our true being. This is also where our sense of curiosity, calmness, clarity, playfulness, perspective, and confidence lives.
Embracing the Self requires us to understand how our life experiences have shaped the other subparts, and rebuilding trust between protective parts and the Self. All of these parts are intertwined and can greatly impact each other.
Understand Your Protective and Exiled Parts
Sea Glass uses IFS-informed techniques in therapy and coaching.
Aside from the self, there are three other types of parts in IFS: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters. After you experience a trauma, for example, our parts can become very out of sync. Understanding the roles of each part in IFS can help you formulate a plan for healing, build self compassion, and allow you to make decisions that better align with your personal values.
Exiles in IFS are negative and vulnerable memories or emotions that are hidden away. They tend to carry pain for the person, so the two protective parts try to keep them out of consciousness. Oftentimes exiles are younger parts that didn’t have the skills or support at the time to navigate an overwhelming situation.
Managers in IFS are proactive protector parts that aim to keep things under control as a means to prevent vulnerability. These parts are often externally rewarded by society or our loved ones. Often this looks like over-functioning, intellectualizing, planning, perfectionism, or hyper-spirituality.
Firefighters in IFS are the reactive protector parts that show up in challenging situations and serve to distract from painful or vulnerable situations, emotions, or interactions. These parts are often looked down upon by society and our loved ones. We're often ashamed by our firefighters’ behaviors: yelling back at someone, drinking too much, overindulging in food or spending.
Journaling is one helpful way to keep track of any emotional and relational responses and get to know your protective parts. Consider: How do you respond in negative situations? Overwhelm? Being around your family of origin? A scary boss? A trauma trigger?
Build Compassion for Protector Parts’ Intentions
Once you know what the different parts are, it’s important to do some self-reflection to gain an understanding of where and how they show up in your life, and ultimately understanding what their intention is rather than focusing on the impact of that part’s behavior.
Awareness of your responses to challenging situations will provide insight to the protective parts that may be showing up in those interactions.
Insight to the motivation underlying your protective behaviors provides further clarity. How were those responses ultimately trying to protect you from feeling in that moment? Or avoid dealing with? This may look on the surface like “nothing” - you have to dig deep.
Compassion for the intention of those protective parts helps build trust between the protectors and the Self. This is a natural response from the Self, it doesn’t need to be forced. You may observe this as a slight softening towards a part that you mentioned disgust with just a few minutes prior.
Connecting with your Self in IFS
As we’ve discussed, the Self is the main part of your being. Start visualizing your self being a leader and a nurturer. Imagine how your self would interact with the other parts and what role it plays for your specific circumstances.
Engage in mindfulness practices to find a deeper connection to your true self. Set intentions and start your day with a clear visual. Spend some time journaling anything that comes to mind. Once you start writing, you may see a theme happening. Perform meditation or deep breathing exercises. There are a variety of ways to connect with your Self, all focused on fostering a sense of awareness and presence in the moment.
Release What Doesn’t Serve You
Matters that aren’t serving you or don’t add value to your life will start to distract you from those things that are important. During your self-reflection, try to reflect on what your parts do and what burdens they carry.
Releasing what no longer is serving you will allow space for your self to come in and show compassion and gratitude. Relieving the burden from your other parts will establish a happier and healthier balance between all parts.
Foster Self-Leadership
Unlocking your self’s full potential requires intentional work and practice. Remember to be kind to yourself during the process. Giving yourself some grace will help reinforce the role of the self in challenging times.
Throughout this process, be sure to take the time to celebrate the little wins or the small steps forward. Recognizing the personal growth that’s occurring will pave the way for continued growth.
Embracing the self and working through the concepts of IFS can be difficult to wrap your head around fully. During IFS therapy, we can take a deeper dive into identifying your self and working through productive ways to embrace it. If IFS is something you’re interested in exploring, contact us to take the next steps towards a Self-led life.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR and sex therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, Gottman Method couples therapy, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started.
