Top 5 Mistakes to Avoid When Starting the Fair Play Method
Ready to transform how you share household responsibilities? Schedule a Fair Play coaching session to get started on the right foot.
Mental load coaching through the Fair Play Method has revolutionized how thousands of couples approach household management and division of labor. As a licensed couples therapist and one of Ohios’ only Certified Fair Play Facilitators, I've guided countless partnerships through this transformative process. Which means: I’ve seen even the most well-intentioned couples fall into the same common traps when getting started.
The good news? These obstacles are completely avoidable when you know what to look for. Let's explore the 5 most common traps couples fall into when implementing Fair Play, and how working with a Fair Play Coach can help you navigate them successfully.
Mistake #1: Both couples aren’t on board
What happens when one partner isn't on board with Fair Play? This is one of the most common, and most frustrating, challenges that couples face. You've read the book, watched the documentary, and you're fired up about finally having a system to manage the invisible work in your household. There's just one problem: your partner isn't convinced.
When one partner enthusiastically embraces the Fair Play system while the other remains skeptical, dismissive, or simply disengaged, the imbalance dooms the process before it even begins. Without buy-in from both partners, the Fair Play cards become just another item on the already-overwhelmed partner's to-do list.
Maybe your partner says things like:
"We don't need a system, we're fine."
"This seems overly complicated."
"I already do plenty around here."
"Can't we just handle this ourselves?"
How Fair Play coaching helps get both partners engaged: A certified Fair Play Facilitator serves as a neutral third party who can speak to both partners' concerns without the emotional charge that often accompanies these conversations. During mental load coaching sessions, I help resistant partners understand what's truly at stake. It’s not just a cleaner house, but connection, resentment prevention, and partnership equity.
I've found that partners who are initially resistant often simply don't understand the invisible labor their significant other is carrying. Through coaching, we make the invisible visible in a way that creates empathy rather than defensiveness.
Mistake #2: Splitting CPE between partners
Why shouldn’t you split CPE between partners? Once couples commit to Fair Play, many immediately want to dive into the cards and start dividing them up. But here's where the second major pitfall emerges: trying to split the CPE (Conception, Planning, and Execution) of tasks between partners. Couples often decide that one partner will handle the planning of a task while the other executes it. Or they'll alternate different components of the same card. This might sound like collaboration, but it's actually a recipe for dropped balls and continued resentment.
Here's why: When you split CPE, no one truly owns the task. The mental load remains shared (or let's be honest, usually falls to the default partner), coordination overhead increases, and tasks fall through the cracks. If you're in charge of "planning" dinner but your partner "executes" it, who's responsible when there are no groceries? Who handles the conception of meal ideas that work with everyone's schedules and dietary needs?
How Fair Play coaching helps couples understand CPE: The Fair Play Method is built on the principle that whoever holds a card owns the full CPE. A Certified Fair Play Facilitator helps couples understand why this matters, and how to implement it practically in your own relationship, with your own tasks.
In my coaching sessions, I guide couples through identifying who is naturally best suited to hold each card completely. This doesn't mean you can't ask for help with execution (your partner can absolutely participate in cooking the dinner you planned), but the mental load the conception and planning stays with one person. This clarity eliminates the "did you..." questions and the resentment that builds when both people think the other is handling something.
Schedule a Fair Play coaching session to work through your unique household needs.
The Fair Play Method has the power to dramatically reduce resentment, increase intimacy, and create the partnership you both deserve - but only when implemented thoughtfully and completely. The pitfalls I've outlined here derail countless couples who try to go it alone.
Mistake #3: Trying to split everything 50-50
Is Fair Play about dividing chores 50-50? This misconception causes enormous frustration and often derails couples' Fair Play progress entirely. Couples approach the Fair Play Method believing the goal is to split the 100 household cards exactly down the middle: 50 cards each. When they realize their situations, strengths, and availability don't support an even split, they feel like they've failed or that the system doesn't work for them.
Let me be crystal clear: Fair Play is not about equality; it's about fairness and a felt sense of equity for each partner.
Fairness accounts for:
Each partner's work schedule and availability
Individual strengths and preferences
Current life season (new baby, demanding work project, health challenges)
Time value and realistic capacity
What matters most to your specific family
A fair division might be 60-40, 70-30, or even 80-20 depending on your circumstances. What matters is that both partners feel the distribution is equitable given your current reality, and that you've consciously chosen this distribution together, rather than defaulting to unconscious patterns.
How Fair Play coaching helps couples divide chores fairly: A mental load coach helps couples move past the scorekeeper mentality and toward true partnership. In coaching sessions, we explore what fairness actually means for your unique relationship. I help couples have honest conversations about capacity, time value, and what constitutes a fair distribution in your current life season.
Through this process, many couples discover that their previous "division of labor" was actually one person holding 80+ cards while the other held fewer than 20 - and both felt overwhelmed and unappreciated. Fair Play coaching creates a framework for ongoing recalibration as life changes.
Mistake #4: Believing ‘toxic time messages’
What are toxic time messages, and how do they sabotage the Fair Play Method? Even when couples successfully assign cards and maintain full CPE ownership, toxic time messages can undermine the entire system. Toxic time messages are the spoken or unspoken beliefs about whose time is more valuable. They sound like:
"I'll just do it myself, it's faster."
"Can you watch the kids so I can work?" (while the other partner never has to "ask permission" for work time)
"Well, I'm the breadwinner, so..."
"You're better at this stuff anyway."
"My meeting is more important."
These messages communicate that one partner's time has more inherent value than the other's. They're often deeply ingrained and may reflect broader societal messages about gender, work, and worth. But they're absolutely toxic to partnership equity. When toxic time messages persist, the Fair Play Method cannot function properly. Cards get reassigned mid-stream, one partner constantly interrupts the other's card ownership, and resentment builds despite having "the system" in place.
How Fair Play coaching helps couples confront toxic time messages: This is where professional guidance becomes invaluable. Toxic time messages often operate at an unconscious level, and they're frequently tied to deeper issues around identity, worth, and gender roles.
As both a licensed couples therapist and Fair Play Facilitator, I help couples identify and challenge these messages. We explore questions like:
What makes one hour of your time equal to one hour of your partner's time?
Where did you learn these beliefs about whose work matters more?
How are these messages affecting your connection and intimacy?
Through mental load coaching, couples develop new, healthier narratives about time value that support their Fair Play implementation and strengthen their relationship foundation.
Mistake #5: Skipping the “Values” step
Why is it important to identify shared values in Fair Play? The final major pitfall, and perhaps the most overlooked, is skipping the values conversation that should happen before you ever touch the Fair Play cards. Couples jump straight into dividing up the 100 cards without first establishing their shared values and standards. This leads to conflicts over how tasks should be done, disagreements about what even needs to be done, and frustration when partners have completely different ideas about what success looks like.
For example:
If you value a tidy home but your partner values free time over cleanliness, who decides the standard for the "Daily Tidying" card?
If one partner values home-cooked meals and the other is fine with takeout, what does "dinner" actually mean?
If you prioritize your children's academics but your partner prioritizes their creative development, how do you handle the "Homework" card
Without establishing shared values first, you're not really distributing labor fairly—you're just arguing about standards while one person's values dominate by default (usually the person who cares more or notices first).
How a Fair Play coach guides the values conversation: The values step is where Fair Play coaching really shines. I facilitate structured conversations that help couples:
Identify individual values around home, family, work, and life
Find common ground and establish shared priorities
Set realistic standards for each card based on your values and capacity
Create Minimum Standard of Care agreements that both partners commit to
Build permission to reset when values or standards need to change
During virtual coaching sessions, I guide couples through exercises that reveal what truly matters to each of you—and help you build a life that reflects your shared values rather than unconscious defaults or societal expectations.
This foundation makes every subsequent Fair Play conversation easier. When you've agreed on your values and standards, dividing cards becomes a practical logistics conversation rather than a values battle.
Schedule a Fair Play coaching session
How can a Fair Play Coach help us succeed?
Working with a Certified Fair Play Facilitator provides accountability, expertise, and neutral guidance that most couples simply cannot achieve on their own. Here's what you can expect from Fair Play coaching:
Structured Implementation: Rather than trying to figure out the system through trial and error, you'll have a clear roadmap for rolling out Fair Play in your household. I guide you through each step in the right order, ensuring you build a strong foundation.
Neutral Facilitation: As your Fair Play Coach, I help both partners feel heard and validated while keeping conversations productive. When tensions rise (and they will—this work brings up real emotion), I help you navigate conflict constructively.
Customization for Your Life: The Fair Play Method is not one-size-fits-all, and mental load coaching ensures you adapt the system to your unique circumstances—your work schedules, your family structure, your values, and your goals.
Ongoing Support: Fair Play is not a one-and-done conversation. Life changes, seasons shift, and cards need to be reassessed. Regular coaching check-ins help you maintain your system and recalibrate as needed.
Professional Insight: As a licensed couples therapist, I bring additional clinical expertise to Fair Play coaching. I can help you identify when deeper relationship issues are affecting your Fair Play implementation and guide you toward healing and stronger connection.
What should we expect in our first Fair Play coaching session?
Many couples wonder what actually happens during virtual Fair Play coaching. Here's an overview of the process. In our initial session, we'll explore your current division of labor, identify pain points, and assess where you are with understanding the Fair Play Method. I'll help both partners articulate what's not working and what you're hoping to achieve.
From there, we'll move through the Fair Play Method systematically:
Values clarification and standards setting
Making the invisible visible by identifying all the cards currently in play in your household
Addressing toxic time messages and building equal time value
Card assignment based on your unique strengths, preferences, and capacity
Creating accountability structures and communication protocols
Troubleshooting challenges and barriers
Most couples benefit from 3-5 coaching sessions to fully implement Fair Play, with optional check-ins as needed to maintain the system.
Ready to Transform Your Partnership?
As a Certified Fair Play Facilitator and licensed couples therapist, I offer virtual mental load coaching to couples throughout the United States. I've seen firsthand how the right guidance at the right time can mean the difference between Fair Play success and just another abandoned organizational system or the need for couples therapy.
You don't have to navigate this transformation alone. Whether you're struggling with partner buy-in, getting stuck on card distribution, battling toxic time messages, or simply feeling overwhelmed by where to start, Fair Play coaching can help you break through these barriers and build the equitable partnership you both deserve. Schedule a Fair Play coaching session and take the first step toward transforming how you share life's work—and reclaiming the connection that brought you together in the first place.
