Deal Yourself In: Understanding the Key Terms and 4 Rules of Fair Play
Mental load coaching with the Fair Play Method is transforming how couples share household responsibilities and emotional labor. As a licensed couples therapist and Certified Fair Play Facilitator, I've seen firsthand how this revolutionary system helps partners move from resentment to true partnership — and it all starts with understanding the fundamental principles that make Fair Play work.
Ready to reclaim balance in your relationship? Schedule a virtual Fair Play coaching session to have more productive conversations about the mental load in your home and discover how to split household responsibilities fairly.
What is the Fair Play Method?
The Fair Play Method, created by Eve Rodsky in the book Fair Play, is a comprehensive system designed to help couples redistribute domestic work and reduce the invisible mental load that often falls disproportionately on one partner. As a Fair Play Coach, I guide couples through implementing this framework into their own household. It’s a card-based game system built on the tenets of a healthy organization (from the business world) to allocate household tasks with complete clarity and accountability.
Having to remind your partner to do something doesn’t take that something off your list. It adds to it. And what’s more, reminding is often characterized as nagging.
Fair Play creates a household management system with 100 "cards" representing everything from packing lunches to managing finances, and ensures both partners understand exactly who owns what task, from start to finish. Part of what makes the Fair Play Method so helpful is that it provides couples with a new (and more neutral) vocabulary to talk about domestic labor.
Look up anything about Fair Play Method and you’ll come across acronyms MSC, CPE, and RAT. What do they mean?! Let’s dive in.
What are the cards in Fair Play?
The Fair Play card deck has 100 cards divided into 5 “suites”: home, out, caregiving, magic, and wild. Within these suites, 60 cards are possibly in play for household responsibilities, and 40 cards are for couples with care responsibilities. Sometimes, 100 cards feels like too much, and sometimes it feels like too little. The system is meant to be flexible. There are also a set of blank cards for you to write in specific tasks that apply to your household.
Daily grind cards
Some of the tasks are designated as “daily grind” cards. These are often the tasks that no one really wants to do, but they need to get done. Without an equitable system for mental load in your home and without conversations about who owns what task in your home - these often fall to women by default. Daily grind cards tend to carry more weight because the task itself becomes the primary responsibility, and it’s not typically something you can make time to do around your other responsibilities (think: taking out the trash, doing dishes, etc.). It’s often with these cards that couples start to see immediate change with using Fair Play.
The “Happiness Trio”
These cards include self care, personal friendships, and “unicorn space.” The happiness trio are often the first parts of life to fall off the wagon when mental load becomes unbalanced - yet these are the crucial tasks for each partner being able to retain their personhood and unique identity outside of your roles as parent, partner, and professional. It breeds resentment when one person has time for self care, hobbies, and maintaining friendships. Part of the goal of using Fair Play is to ensure each adult has the same ability to access the happiness trio in their own life - which means having time to prioritize your own unique personhood.
Unicorn Space
Unicorn space is time for activities that make you uniquely you—is considered a non-negotiable component of the Fair Play Method. It's not selfish; it's essential. Eve Rodsky defines it as time for active pursuits that allow you to share your gifts and creativity with the world, whether that's painting, joining a sports league, volunteering, or learning a new skill. In my mental load coaching work, I've observed that Unicorn Space is often the first thing to disappear, particularly for mothers. The Fair Play system ensures both partners protect this time by fairly distributing household responsibilities, making space for individual identity alongside partnership.
Re-dealing Cards
Re-dealing is the process of redistributing cards when life circumstances change or the current arrangement stops working. Fair Play is designed to be flexible—it's not a one-time negotiation but a living system that adapts with you and your family’s needs.
Couples typically re-deal when major transitions occur: a new job with different hours, a deployment, a baby arrives, someone's health changes, kids start new activities, or aging parents need support. But you can also re-deal simply because the current split isn't sustainable anymore.
Check-Ins
In my Fair Play coaching practice, I encourage couples to schedule regular check-ins with each other to assess what's working and what needs adjustment. During a re-deal, you simply reshuffle the relevant cards based on current capacity, energy levels, and priorities. This built-in flexibility prevents the resentment that builds when one partner feels stuck with an outdated or unfair distribution.
Understanding the Four Rules
Fair Play establishes four essential ground rules that create psychological safety for both partners:
All time is created equal. Both partners time has equal value and should be equally respected, no matter how the time is spent, income, or any other external factors.
Start where you are now. Make an honest assessment of your current situation. Begin changes from there rather than creating unrealistic standards.
Establish your values and standards. Define what’s actually important to you and your partner. Create shared standards that reflect your values.
Reclaim your right to be interesting. Both partners are encouraged to make time for their own passions and interests, to feel more fulfilled.
What does "Minimum Standard of Care" mean in Fair Play?
The Minimum Standard of Care (MSC) is the foundation of effective household task management. This principle establishes that whoever holds a card must complete that task to a mutually agreed-upon standard — without reminders, without a to-do list, without micromanaging, and without the other partner having to check in.
Think of it this way: if your partner “owns” the "morning routine" card, they're responsible for ensuring the kids get dressed, fed, and out the door on time. You don't text to remind them about picture day or ask if they remembered the field trip permission slip. The card holder manages all the mental planning, preparation, execution, and follow-through for everything you two decide falls under the “morning routine” card.
In my mental load coaching practice, I help couples define what "good enough" looks like for each task. This prevents the perfectionism trap where one partner redoes work or the micromanagement cycle that creates resentment. The MSC isn't about lowering standards—it's about agreeing on realistic expectations that honor both partners' time and energy. I find that a lot of times, conflict arises when partners haven’t taken the time to find and agree upon a shared minimum standard of care. Each partner brings their own MSC into the relationship and holds their partner accountable to their standard. Working with a Fair Play Coach allows partners to see where the disconnect has been on each of their ends, and finally have a conversation about the values underlying their shared MSC.
What is CPE in Fair Play?
CPE stands for Conception, Planning, and Execution—the three phases of every household task that the Fair Play Method makes visible. This framework is crucial because most people only see the execution phase, completely missing the cognitive labor that happens before a task gets done.
Let's break it down:
Conception is noticing what needs to happen. Someone has to recognize that the kids need winter coats or that you're running low on toilet paper.
Planning involves all the thinking and organizing: Researching which coats to buy, checking sizes, finding time to shop, comparing prices, or scheduling a grocery pickup.
Execution is the actual doing: Purchasing the coats, bringing home the groceries, putting items away.
When you hold a card, you own all three phases—not just the execution. This is where most couples experience their biggest breakthrough. One partner often handles conception and planning (the invisible mental load) while the other only executes when asked. Fair Play ensures complete ownership from start to finish. Completing a task requires all of the CPE to be there.
What does RAT mean in the Fair Play system?
RAT stands for Random Assignment of Tasks—and it's one of the most damaging patterns the Fair Play Method helps couples eliminate. This happens when one partner randomly assigns tasks to the other without clear ownership or agreement: "Can you pick up milk on your way home?" "Don't forget to call the pediatrician." "The kids need baths tonight."
The partner giving these random assignments often doesn't realize they're still holding the mental load—they're doing all the conception and planning, then delegating just the execution. Meanwhile, the partner at the receiving end often feels like they're being nagged and/or ordered around, leading to resentment towards their partner.
In my mental load coaching sessions, I help couples recognize RAT patterns that have become so normalized they're invisible. One partner feels exhausted from managing everything mentally, while the other feels criticized and underappreciated for "helping." Both partners end up frustrated.
Fair Play eliminates RAT by establishing clear card ownership. When your partner owns the "groceries" card, you don't text them reminders about milk—they own all of CPE for that task. This clarity stops the nagging cycle and gives both partners true autonomy over their responsibilities.
Feeling overwhelmed by the mental load in your relationship? Schedule a virtual Fair Play coaching session to learn how to implement Fair Play in your home.
What makes Fair Play different from other household management systems?
Unlike chore charts or apps that simply list tasks, the Fair Play Method addresses the invisible cognitive labor that exhausts so many people - namely, women. Traditional task lists ignore conception and planning, leaving one partner to manage everything mentally while the other just "helps out."
Fair Play also uses a common language. When both partners understand terms like CPE, MSC, and card ownership, conversations become more productive. Instead of "You never help," the conversation shifts to, "I think I'm doing all the conception and planning for the morning routine card, and you're only executing. Can we re-deal?”
As a Certified Fair Play Facilitator offering virtual mental load coaching for couples across the US, I've seen this shared vocabulary transform communication patterns and reduce defensiveness. Partners finally feel heard because there's a framework for articulating what felt impossible to explain before.
If you constantly feel overwhelmed, if you're always the one who remembers everything, or if household conflicts are straining your relationship, Fair Play coaching can help.
Getting started with mental load coaching
If you constantly feel overwhelmed, if you're always the one who remembers everything, or if household conflicts are straining your relationship, Fair Play coaching can help. As a licensed couples therapist and Certified Fair Play Facilitator, I offer 2:1 mental load coaching sessions for couples throughout the United States.
The Fair Play Method isn't just about dividing chores—it's about fundamentally reshaping how you operate as a team. It's about seeing and valuing all labor, trusting each other's competence, and creating space for both partners to thrive individually and together.
If you're exhausted from carrying the mental load, frustrated by the same recurring conflicts, or simply ready for a more equitable partnership, mental load coaching with the Fair Play Method can help you get there.
