What Is Betrayal Trauma? Signs & Symptoms Explained
In today’s post we’ll be exploring a specific type of trauma experienced when people discover someone they trust and rely on for survival has betrayed them. Betrayal trauma was first described by Jennifer Freyd in 1991 as a way of exploring the experience of individuals forced to continue maintaining abusive, unsafe relationships in order to survive. It’s important to keep in mind that “survival” often goes beyond just basic physical needs.
What Makes Betrayal Trauma Different
Betrayal trauma is the term for an affair or infidelity. You previously had a shared agreement, a boundary, a commitment - that’s been violated by one person. It’s not as simple to “just leave” the situation because you rely on the betrayer to provide for basic needs like food, shelter, companionship, shared parenting, social status, or financial support. Betrayal trauma cuts so deeply. It’s not just what happened, it’s a fundamental loss of the sense of safety you thought you had with this person. You might not even be able to acknowledge the betrayal happened - it can bring a great sense of shame, even though you did nothing wrong.
Signs of Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma occurs when what should be a close, loving bond becomes a source of danger. Sometimes that’s physical, but more commonly it’s emotional. Whether you experienced betrayal trauma as the result of a child-caregiver relationship or as part of a romantic partnership, many of the signs and symptoms overlap.
Low Self-Esteem
It’s natural for your self-esteem to suffer when someone who is supposed to love and care for you betrays you through infidelity, neglect, or outright abuse. You might be told the abuse or betrayal is your fault. You may be unwilling to advocate for yourself because you’re afraid of the consequences. Not only is your self-worth undermined by your betrayer, but because you can’t leave, you’re unable to give yourself the care and love you deserve.
Remember: even if you aren’t in a position to take care of yourself, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved.
Treating the trauma of an affair or infidelity requires a specialized couples therapist. Find help for betrayal trauma here.
Emotional Outbursts
Because people suffering from betrayal trauma are often unable to leave their situation or confront it directly, those feelings build up and can explode into what seem like irrational outbursts. Anger and frustration over an affair comes out as an explosive episode over unwashed dishes left in the sink. In particularly unhealthy relationships, this can leave you feeling like the bad guy even when you’re not.
Intrusive Thoughts
Unpleasant thoughts and feelings often bubble back up until dealt with. Intrusive thoughts can keep you up all night, derail a romantic date, or ruin an otherwise fun family gathering.
Hypervigilance
Once you’ve suffered from betrayal trauma, it’s likely you’ll be on the lookout for it to happen again. Are you always trying to get ahead of other people's reactions? Are you checking and rechecking to see if you’ve missed something, or to try to catch your partner in the act again? Do you try to manage other people’s reactions by limiting the information you give them? If you’re too busy looking for the next flashing danger sign to relax and enjoy yourself, this might describe you.
Depression
Situations like these often feel hopeless. Especially if you feel trapped in a marriage or caregiver relationship you can’t escape due to financial constraints, social support, parenting commitments, or religious ideas. When you feel stuck and like you don’t have a choice, a deep state of depression is a common response. If you feel yourself headed down this road, contact a professional immediately for help and support.
Substance Abuse & Eating Disorders
Another way people deal with betrayal trauma is by self-medicating through substance abuse. It might be over-indulging in alcohol, dabbling in drugs, or engaging in unhealthy eating habits. It also could look like dangerous dietary habits in response to infidelity or feelings of low self-esteem.
Recovering from betrayal trauma
If you feel like you may be suffering from betrayal trauma, we can help. We specialize in helping adults process and heal wounds suffered due to traumas experienced at the hands of caregivers, institutions, or romantic partners. We would love to help you through your journey toward healing, and letting go of old wounds with trauma therapy, let's connect soon.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, anxiety treatment, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started with a Certified EMDR therapist in Ohio.
